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hey, how's everyone doing?
remember when i said everything is getting slowly better? well, now i fucked up all these things with my stupid, childish and insecure personality. i became more aggressive than i used to be. to be honest, idk what to do with my life anymore, i just want to be gone, i wish i never existed. i wish i could avoid my entire life and problems, but this is sadly real life and i can't do nothing about it. every breath i take makes me feel anxious, it feels like i'm real and that gives me hatred. it gives me rage. being real gives me rage. i feel like im no one, im nothing, im worthless. i feel like i will never reach my goals and dreams, i will be a failure all my entire life and i will never be able to do something about it, i feel like im fucking drowning and every single day i wish everything was a dream and i was really happy, i wish that i was worth it. i wish i was something to my family, i wish i could make them be proud of me. but i'm just a disease. i'm just a fragile, useless and sensitive little kid.
i have no money, i have no friends, i have no happiness, i have no goals, i have no dreams, why? what did i do to deseve this? WHY? i just wanna be fucking happy, im tired of all of this, i just cant handle this shit anymore. every single day i feel like i will never have a reason to live, my life losses sense every single second of the day, and when i try to make things better what do i receive? MORE FUCKING PAIN, MORE FUCKING PROBLEMS, GOD DAMN WHY?
i started to self harm. its a addiction now. i just cant stop it, feeling the metal on my flesh and oppening it is freaking hot. i wanna see myself bleeding. i do self harm to see if i still feel something, but i dont. i keep trying to feel physical pain but i dont.
goodbye.
hey! it's been such a long time since i'm not writing anything here. i suddenly remembered about this page and i decided writing something so y'all can have some news about me. i still think if someone actually reads this, probably not. how is everyone doing? i hope y'all day is full of misery.
a lot of things happened while i wasn't writing here, so i'm gonna try to write everything or at least the most important things. first of all, i have a girlfriend! it's been two months already since we starting to date. i have a lot of things to say about her... nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than her. it's weird. also, my cat died some days ago. i lost three cats this year. i would give my entire life just to have them with me again... i miss them a lot.
i lost all my friends. well, almost. only four of them talk to me and i feel so alone every single day of my life.. i just cant get happiness again, this is what i deserve, this is my destiny. i don't have any escape, everything i can feel is pain. this is not me, this isn't real, this is absolutely not me. i lost all, i lost my life, i lost myself. do i deserve this? i'm gonna die alone in my room.
i think thats all i have to say today. see u in probably two months or more, or if i remember to write something. goodbye.
i broke up with my girlfriend the same day we were celebrating three months of dating. i was fucking tired of that dumbass.
i never been so unhappy like now. i think i'm dying alive. this isn't a life, this isn't happiness and this isn't what i want for me. but well, i'm already used to this shit and i think i can't do anything to it anymore. this is what i deserve, rotting until i die, trapped in my room while i try to convince myself that i'm not an asshole. there's so much pain in the world, u know? it's obvious. but people always tells me that. every single time that i tell someone my problems they say that there is people worse than me. BITCH I KNOW. DON'T COMPARE ME WITH OTHERS, FOR GOD.
i think i'm accepting my future. i'm accepting this. lately i feel completely alone even having people around me, these last few days my self hatred has increased considerably and i can no longer do anything to stop it. i feel guilty when i eat, i have a hard time doing it and sometimes i have to spit food out because i feel that i did nothing to deserve it. im not a good friend, not a good person, not a good son, not a good grandson, not a good cousin. at this point im nothing.
every day that passes in my life i find less meaning in things, i do not feel myself, this is not me. my days are always the same, i feel trapped in an endless loop of misfortunes. i want to die, i can no longer hear anything, my head can no longer handle anything. i hate myself, i hate my house, i hate my neighborhood, i hate my family, i hate my bed, i hate my school, i hate most of my friends, i hate my arms, i hate my face, i hate my legs, i hate physical contact, i hate being looked at, i hate people, i hate almost everything and i could easily make a list.
i don't think i have a future, the only one i can imagine is ten feet underground. i ended up realizing that im never going to be someone in this shitty life, it no longer makes any sense to continue fighting for my dreams if im not going to achieve anything at all anyway. i already gave up on everything, i don't give a shit about everything, i'm going to die anyway.
nothing i do or what i did at any time is going to be rewarded, it is in vain. i just gave up.
hello. its been a while. my birthday was a few days ago. happy horrible birthday to me. i have never felt this horrible in ages. my own soul is giving me asthma, i feel like im trapped in a life already scripted to be full of misery, agony and pain. i feel like everything that happens around me is my fault, i feel like everyone is faking every single thing and they deeply hate me, i feel like people is going to abandon me again and i'm so scared to be alone again. i can't do this by myself, i can't do this fucking crap anymore, i'm just a fucking kid having all the charge on his back at a young age.
i constanly feel like i dont matter and that im just overreacting, that i just want attention. nothing helps anymore and the pain burns in the most horrible way that words could never describe. i feel like no one wants me and no one is ever going to, i feel like im a disease playing the victim role even if i apologized for every single mininum thing that i ever did in my life. no one cares about me and everyone fakes caring, thinking that i didnt notice. dude, i feel so fucking dead inside. my soul is begging to be free from all of this crap, god, please, take this feeling out of me it burns its killing me its eating me alive. what the fuck did i do to deserve this? im a horrible person, but god, i always try my best even when i feel terrible and care about my friends the best i can, and yet, i'm being payed with this? why? what did i do for all of this to happen?
when i try to do stuff that kinda makes me happy people gets mad and dissappointed. why? it feels like i dont have any rights to be happy. the fact that what i like disappoints people is depressing to me. i only have three friends that actually dont talk to me. i feel like im constanly being fooled by them and that in the very deep end of their souls they hate me and they thinks im an idiot. they probably actually do. i realized that i need to have sick obssesions with a particular thing to make my life have a meaning until i loss interest on it. i'm praying that i obssess over something so i can keep myself distracted from this.
hello.
the fact that i feel like nothing around me is real and i constantly feel disconected from my body doesnt let me improve my life. it makes me feel like everything i do is pointless and stupid because nothing is real, and everything i do is on complete vain. i will never understand how these feelings started.
i think im starting to have allucinations. i see white or black things that spawn for less than a second watching me. it's kinda scary. hopefully its nothing too serious.
i don't recognize myself anymore.
am i useless? maybe i am. maybe i'm more than i think. maybe i'm a god, maybe i'm just a little kid trapped in a huge horrible body. my skin rots as the suffering continues. it falls off of my body in big pieces and then disappears when it touchs the floor. i'm useless because i can't stop that.
am i an idiot? probably. i'm aware that i can change it. but maybe i'm useless, and that will make me ruin stuff, because i'm maybe useless. if i don't stop being useless, i won't stop being an idiot, because i won't be able to improve.
am i unsensitive? there's lots of chances that i am. i wanna help people the much as i can so they don't suffer the same way i do. but they probably have it worse and i don't know how to help. i'm useless, and i can't help properly. if i don't stop being useless, i won't stop being an idiot, and i won't stop being unsensitive. i'm unsensitive because i can't help.
am i insufferable? people thinks that i am, so i must be. i fear people leaving. i rage and my body touchs the sky. the air goes by my lungs and it burns. i'm insufferable because people thinks i am.
am i making any sense? mostly not. my violence is senseless and my tears are useless. my tears won't stop them, my blood won't do anything. i fear them of leaving. my blood won't stop them, my tears are useless. crying won't do anything for them to stay.
at least, i can thank god that i'm not him.
deleted journal entry
give love to the victim
maybe if we didnt raise our hand at you
we couldnt stop it
we didnt change
we wont love you
we cant help
we are sorry
we arent sorry and we wont ever be
come back
are you going to leave us?
we dont remember your voice
are we humans?
come back
the memory of you hurts
we are going to raise our hand at you again
i'm trying to dissappear. i can't do this anymore. i didn't want this. i didn't chose this. if i unblock them, i know im gonna be in so much trouble. im supposed to be thinking about myself, why am i thinking about them? i pushed everyone away from me. i hope i can reveal myself in anonimity in the future.
please, just help me.
why did everyone abandon me?
i feel so dead. help me.
i am so fucking drained. i just cant do this anymore. i fucking give up. im tired of always having to go throught the same fucking shit and im so fucking alone. i have no friends, i will never feel loved, and it feels like im gonna be traumatized my entire life. it hurts so fucking much i cant even use my words to describe this. i just want to be dead. im begging for help.
it's been a long time, again. so much shit happened and i'd like to talk about it the most i can here.
i got death threats and almost got sued. i told my abuser to kill herself and cut her wrists so that ended up in a guy faking to have a gun and knowing where i live to intimidate me, but nothing ever happened. that happened in june, i think.
i got in a relationship with the person i loved the most and i was completely decided to give her my whole life and i did, but she lost interest and it didn't work out. when we argued about it, she got mad that i was sad because of it and that reminded me so much of my abuser.
i lost all my friends at school and i only have this tall guy as a friend there. he's nice. we were both in the same friend group but we both got treated like complete shit and now we are having fun together, so it's kinda of nice.
i started to get stalked at school and i had so much problems because of it that i'm lazy to talk about. there is a group of girls obssessed with me and at first it was pretty cool, but, now it's just hell. i miss when i used to be some random kid that was sitting with a random tall dude in recess. these girls took pictures of me without my consent. feels weird.
i realized i got sexually assaulted by my ex best friend and i don't know that to do.
i developed an ed.
a few weeks ago i tried to kill myself. i remember shaking and crying after i said goodbye to some guys and they were begging for me to answer. i hate it.
i'm just so fucking dead. i've never felt this fucking horrible. i just can't do it anymore, i'm begging for it to stop. everything got so much worse and i feel miserable.
hey! happy new year! i'm back and worse than ever. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die i want to die. i want to die.
life update: lost all my friends. i have no one left here. i have no one to trust.
i started to write and paint. both of these things are something that i really really like honestly. i was up all night yesterday painting tweek tweak. :D
i almost shot myself on the head with a gun. also i learned how to shut the fuck up when it comes to my problems so i never talk about them with someone. it's too late and i'm so lazy to keep writing...
no one will care when i'm gone
no one will notice
no one will care
no one will even bother to go to my fucking funeral
no one will say goodbye
no one will be there to stop me because no one cares about me
i stopped them all but they will never be there to stop me
they will be way better when i'm gone
i should had kill myself
i should had shot myself with that fucking gun
i should had jumped
i should had overdosed
what is wrong with me?
why me?
i'm just a kid why am i being treated like this
why me?
i have never been this fucking sure of killing myself
i will probably jump into the train rails anytime soon (hopefully i do)
seeing myself suffer is so fucking funny because i fucking deserve it. i am such a piece of shit
i'm so manipulative
so dumb
so stupid
so ridiculous
so sensitive
so alone
so selfish
so annoying
so inssuferable
so ugly
such a bad person
such a bad friend
such a bad son
everyone knows i'm a piece of shit anyway. why do i even bother?
i know i should had died. i'm so sorry for who i am.
(11:16pm)
i just realized it's been two years since i started this shit. honestly, i miss the entries i deleted. i wish i could read them again just fot the nostalgia.
IT'S BEEN ALMOST A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR. i wanted to write stuff on here so bad but for some reason neocities wouldn't let me in as it was rejecting conection. so much stuff happened that i feel i'm going to be writing and writing for a long, long while. i'm kinda lazy to do so, but i'll still try!
i don't know where to start. i had this little friend group that i completely lost. first, it was this guy being a piece of shit to me and my friend, so we both left and ended up being only us two. thanks to my untreated bpd i ended up being completely manipulative, selfish and dumb. i fucked up the whole relationship and he told me straight to my face that everything around me decays until it's completely destroyed. i agreed and still agree. i always thanked him for saying it. i eventually felt horrible and cried a lot, but, him saying that helped me to realize how of a horrible person i was being without noticing thanks to my bpd. it is now mostly managed, but, there's a lot of stuff that i have to fix still.
on april i got this cute girlfriend that i broke up with after being three months together. my relationships never last more than that! i know! but we were both hurting each other and it was the best thing i could ever do for both of us. i still remember her with love and respect, she's the most amazing girlfriend i ever had. i don't really miss her, but now that i've grown as a person i would fucking love to go back and give the relationship a different ending and fix a ton of the horrible shit i've done. i'm ashamed of who i was. i remember her and our relationship with love and happiness.
GOD my deleted entries intrigue me so much! but i know i deleted them because i was embarrassed. 2020 was wild as hell when it comes to my depression.
i lowkey became an alcoholic. recovered for a while but now slowly relapsing. i don't really care about that as it now is the only thing that makes me truly happy and makes me forget at least a bit of all the horrible stuff that is happening around me.
i tried to kill myself three times this year. one almost worked, but yeah, ur seeing me still here sadly. two overdoses and one almost jumping to the train trails. the second overdose was in august and it is the one that almost killed me and oh god i don't ever wanna overdose again in my life. it's the most disgusting and painful shit i ever experienced. my liver was slowly dying and i couldn't even breathe because of how much it fucking hurt. the pain stopped when i could finally puke all of the pills i swallowed and this friend of mine took care of me. almost fainted like five times and my face was enterely pale but it is now a fun story to tell! i guess.
i started talking to the girl who abused me in 2020 and 2021. i missed her so fucking much and i needed her to wreck me up again. eventually i got insanely obsessed and attached but she abandoned me (again) out of the motherfucking nowhere. LIKE LITERALLY OUT OF NOWHERE. insane amount of crying and begging her to stay but now i'm just kinda okay with it. a few days ago i had this little dream that she came back on christmas and said that she missed me and blablabla.
back in september i spent the whole month without a phone as mine broke. i started having too much friends and came back to my old best friend that i really love and i started being so fucking happy. i couldn't believe that i used to hate myself. i couldn't believe how much i despised myself and how much suicide attempts i had. and i felt so fucking proud of how happy i started being. not even a bad thought on my brain, just a guy being truly happy for once. i've improved so much that month and my mindset changed a lot. i priorize myself and my well-being, i started treating my bpd and analize myself as a person, so i could become a better friend each day. i was happy. i was fucking happy. i was truly smiling. i was truly having fun with the people around me. that little depressed dude became the happiest man alive. full of friends, going out everywhere every single day, talking to girls, having drinks with friends, hanging out every day after school. i was... another person. until it went all fucking down hill! yeah, it was too good to be true haha.
in november i got to my lowest point. i, honestly, never felt this unhappy. the only friend i have is my best friend and we don't talk as often. my phone is dry as hell. i don't go out. i hate seeing the light of the sun, and seeing other people just deppresses me more. the guilt of the things i've done in the past and the insane amount of people that hate me and only know me for being a bad person haunt me when i try to sleep. having to get out of bed is tiring. waking up and repeating the same thing as everyday feels like a nightmare. i hate being who i am. i hate myself. it makes zero fucking sense how everything got horrible again out of spite when i was insanely happy. i'm 100% sure that god, or whoever brought me to this hell called earth, fucking hates me. this is my role in life. this is how my life was meant to be and it can't be changed. a nightmare. a never ending depression hole eating me alive every day. i'm doing the best i can to not let it affect me. i'm trying as hard as i can so i don't end up killing myself. but i'm running out of reasons to not do so. i don't wanna kill myself. i want to be happy. i want this to end. i want to get married and have my wife and kids welcome me when i come home from work. i want to sit with my children and tell them all the stuff i've been through and be proud of how strong i was. i want to be truly happy. but i don't have any reasons to be happy. i don't know and will never know what long lasting, true happiness is and feels like. the only exit to this is death. the only way i will stop suffering is killing myself. after all, i'm a piece of shit who only ruined everyone's lives. i deserve to die.
uh going to something more fun than that, i started to pierce myself and now have five piercings. i used to have seven, but i had to take two of them out as those were badly infected. i also started piercing my friends and made some money out of it. i dyed my hair a few times, but know i'm slowly going back to my natural hair color as the dye is washing off. i started doing drugs also but yeah hahashajs
so little resume uhm i'm still depressed as fuck but cooler! happy holidays every1
gonna start leaving song recommendations. recommendation for today: a don amancio by chaqueño palavecino
see ya next time if i don't kill myself
happy new year! never wanted to kill myself this bad. just feeling like a complete piece of shit every single night. nobody fucking talks to me except for ONE friend that isn't even a irl friend. seriously the most depressing summer of my entire life. i didnt even go on vacation or anything, just stayed home, rotting. i have nobody. i'm completely alone. what happened to the bright man who used to laugh his ass off to everything? what happened to me? i have lost it all.
uh moving on to the interesting parts, i got more piercings! i re pierced the one that i had to take out bc of them being badly infected and uh i started to stretch my right earlobe. i'm getting a bridge piercing for my birthday! anddd uhh i dyed my hair black and cut it and i look so cool and yeah thats it fdkgfkjdg also im starting school march 2nd i wanna jump off of a bridge istg im goign to kill myself man im finna get bullied and stalked again mf
OH FUCK I FORGOT january was the most messy part of my life wtf i developed this HORRIBLE insomnia man it was fucking horrible and atrocious i'm so glad i have a normal sleeping schedule again. now yeah thats really it
GOD FUCKING JESUS i wanted to update so bad but i kept forgetting to. april 18th was my birthday and ever since i've been saying that i would update the site and blablabla but i never did. lifes random ocassions brought me to open neocities again so i took the opportunity before i forget again. stuff has changed a lot but at the same time it didn't and i definitely don't know how to feel about it this time.
so school started. ever since i dyed my hair black i kept it like that. i got a new phone thanks to my brother who i now have a better relationship with. the stretching my earlobe thing has come to an end and now i have a tunnel on it. i don't plan to keep on stretching any more than this. got three new piercings on my left ear which are like uh three spiky conch piercings and it looks really cool. i plan on getting a double industrial on my right ear. right there i had two piercings that i did on march but had to take them out because they were badly infected (you may have noticed that i don't clean them at all. i'm very lazy on that) also as my cat died i adopted a new motherfucker called adrián and he's the best cat ever. early this morning he took like this really liquid shit on the floor right next to his fucking litter box like he did it on purpose and i had to clean that up, but i still love him a lot.
about my life in general i developed a "i don't care" mindset which has led me to some problems. like for real i don't give a fucking shit about anything that surrounds me but like I REALLY DON'T AND WON'T and it's too much. thats why i'm failing all of my classes (even tho the first semester isn't over yet) and made me stop talking to a really sweet girl who was in love with me just because she didn't like the fact that i took a lot to respond to her messages and was pretty annoying about it. i fucking really hate that and people who pressures me into answering their messages because to me it's just a message and nothing else. but whatever i ended up ghosting her and blablabla but now i'm kinda attracted to a girl in my class!
speaking more about her, she's a pretty black haired girl who's really into some band called tokio hotel. yesterday we spent all the p.e. class talking about random stuff and we started reading a book together. our bodies were really close and i could hear her breathing which felt good. i was holding one side of the book and she held the other side. we ended up not liking after like five pages so we switched to another book and she will borrow my favorite book (no longer human by osamu dazai) on tuesday since she isn't coming to school on monday and i'm pretty sure she will like it. i made all the people i know read it and everyone liked it so probably she will too! also i've met her mother and sister before and they liked me so maybe i will get a chance with her. she's very interesting and calm, her personality is the same as mine when i'm all alone. she's very quiet but when she talks to me it's very captivating and her laugh is beautiful (weird and loud, but beautiful)
when we were talking, she asked me if i like someone. i said no and asked why, to which she replied that someone did that like tarot card thing to her and it said that someone very funny will come into her life. i laughed and asked if she meant i was funny and she said yes! that felt good i really love making people laugh. still, i don't think i fully like her, but i'm really into her. before i say i like her i wanna really get to know her well and stuff. also maybe she won't like me cuz i think she misses some dude that used to go out with her. but whatever i'll give updates if anything happens
i stopped talking to my now ex best friend because she was a transphobic cunt. i hope she dies she ruined my birthday party
i spend all my days alone and tired. i wouldn't say i'm happy but i'm not sad either. i wish i stopped existing but not because i'm depressed or anything it's just that i don't like life. it's pointless to me and eh whatever my suicidal thoughts are something y'all already know.
well i guess there's nothing else to say ... ? oh i stopped cutting myself and blablabla. there's something i'm too lazy to talk about so when i remember to update i will! thank u for reading ehehe
oh i just remembered uh i became a lutheran which made me feel better. i got really into football (river plate fan hehe) and also i got over my ed. i think i'm about to relapse tho. idk whatever have a good day
if someone ever wondered if im still alive, yes i am. hardly but am. i'm very very physically tired rn cuz my vape makes my head dizzy but i'll try to write as much as i can
resume:
i got a new hairstyle, i dont like that girl anymore, i still dont cut myself, have a nice relationship with food, i only have two friends, i am very good mentally but im still fighting my depression and suicidal thoughts, i like stealing vapes, i got tattooed, i love going out with my family, i survived barbenheimer, my head fucking hurts, i got drunk two days ago, im failing school, i got out of toxic places, im writing lots of poetry, i love oranges, i had to go to the hospital to take out my conch piercings, im stretching my upper lobe and uh i think thats it