journal entries

20/05/20. [02:36am]

deleted journal entry

20/05/20 [11:07pm]

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22/05/20 [2:15am]

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deleted journal entry

07/07/20 [03:27 p.m.]

hey, how's everyone doing?

remember when i said everything is getting slowly better? well, now i fucked up all these things with my stupid, childish and insecure personality. i became more aggressive than i used to be. to be honest, idk what to do with my life anymore, i just want to be gone, i wish i never existed. i wish i could avoid my entire life and problems, but this is sadly real life and i can't do nothing about it. every breath i take makes me feel anxious, it feels like i'm real and that gives me hatred. it gives me rage. being real gives me rage. i feel like im no one, im nothing, im worthless. i feel like i will never reach my goals and dreams, i will be a failure all my entire life and i will never be able to do something about it, i feel like im fucking drowning and every single day i wish everything was a dream and i was really happy, i wish that i was worth it. i wish i was something to my family, i wish i could make them be proud of me. but i'm just a disease. i'm just a fragile, useless and sensitive little kid.

i have no money, i have no friends, i have no happiness, i have no goals, i have no dreams, why? what did i do to deseve this? WHY? i just wanna be fucking happy, im tired of all of this, i just cant handle this shit anymore. every single day i feel like i will never have a reason to live, my life losses sense every single second of the day, and when i try to make things better what do i receive? MORE FUCKING PAIN, MORE FUCKING PROBLEMS, GOD DAMN WHY?

i started to self harm. its a addiction now. i just cant stop it, feeling the metal on my flesh and oppening it is freaking hot. i wanna see myself bleeding. i do self harm to see if i still feel something, but i dont. i keep trying to feel physical pain but i dont.


17/09/20 [12:16 a.m.]

hey! it's been such a long time since i'm not writing anything here. i suddenly remembered about this page and i decided writing something so y'all can have some news about me. i still think if someone actually reads this, probably not. how is everyone doing? i hope y'all day is full of misery.

a lot of things happened while i wasn't writing here, so i'm gonna try to write everything or at least the most important things. first of all, i have a girlfriend! it's been two months already since we starting to date. i have a lot of things to say about her... nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than her. it's weird. also, my cat died some days ago. i lost three cats this year. i would give my entire life just to have them with me again... i miss them a lot.

i lost all my friends. well, almost. only four of them talk to me and i feel so alone every single day of my life.. i just cant get happiness again, this is what i deserve, this is my destiny. i don't have any escape, everything i can feel is pain. this is not me, this isn't real, this is absolutely not me. i lost all, i lost my life, i lost myself. do i deserve this? i'm gonna die alone in my room.

i think thats all i have to say today. see u in probably two months or more, or if i remember to write something. goodbye.

21/10/20 [4:22 p.m.]

i broke up with my girlfriend the same day we were celebrating three months of dating. i was fucking tired of that dumbass.

i never been so unhappy like now. i think i'm dying alive. this isn't a life, this isn't happiness and this isn't what i want for me. but well, i'm already used to this shit and i think i can't do anything to it anymore. this is what i deserve, rotting until i die, trapped in my room while i try to convince myself that i'm not an asshole. there's so much pain in the world, u know? it's obvious. but people always tells me that. every single time that i tell someone my problems they say that there is people worse than me. BITCH I KNOW. DON'T COMPARE ME WITH OTHERS, FOR GOD.

i think i'm accepting my future. i'm accepting this. lately i feel completely alone even having people around me, these last few days my self hatred has increased considerably and i can no longer do anything to stop it. i feel guilty when i eat, i have a hard time doing it and sometimes i have to spit food out because i feel that i did nothing to deserve it. im not a good friend, not a good person, not a good son, not a good grandson, not a good cousin. at this point im nothing.

every day that passes in my life i find less meaning in things, i do not feel myself, this is not me. my days are always the same, i feel trapped in an endless loop of misfortunes. i want to die, i can no longer hear anything, my head can no longer handle anything. i hate myself, i hate my house, i hate my neighborhood, i hate my family, i hate my bed, i hate my school, i hate most of my friends, i hate my arms, i hate my face, i hate my legs, i hate physical contact, i hate being looked at, i hate people, i hate almost everything and i could easily make a list.

i don't think i have a future, the only one i can imagine is ten feet underground. i ended up realizing that im never going to be someone in this shitty life, it no longer makes any sense to continue fighting for my dreams if im not going to achieve anything at all anyway. i already gave up on everything, i don't give a shit about everything, i'm going to die anyway.

nothing i do or what i did at any time is going to be rewarded, it is in vain. i just gave up.

27/04/21 11:06pm

hello. its been a while. my birthday was a few days ago. happy horrible birthday to me. i have never felt this horrible in ages. my own soul is giving me asthma, i feel like im trapped in a life already scripted to be full of misery, agony and pain. i feel like everything that happens around me is my fault, i feel like everyone is faking every single thing and they deeply hate me, i feel like people is going to abandon me again and i'm so scared to be alone again. i can't do this by myself, i can't do this fucking crap anymore, i'm just a fucking kid having all the charge on his back at a young age.

i constanly feel like i dont matter and that im just overreacting, that i just want attention. nothing helps anymore and the pain burns in the most horrible way that words could never describe. i feel like no one wants me and no one is ever going to, i feel like im a disease playing the victim role even if i apologized for every single mininum thing that i ever did in my life. no one cares about me and everyone fakes caring, thinking that i dont noticed. dude, i feel so fucking dead inside. my soul is begging to be free from all of this crap, god, please, take this feeling out of me it burns its killing me its eating me alive. what the fuck did i do to deserve this? im a horrible person, but god, i always try my best even when i feel terrible and care about my friends the best i can, and yet, i'm being payed with this? why? what did i do for all of this to happen?

when i try to do stuff that kinda makes me happy people gets mad and dissappointed. why? it feels like i dont have any rights to be happy. the fact that what i like disappoints people is depressing to me. i only have three friends that actually dont talk to me. i feel like im constanly being fooled by them and that in the very deep end of their souls they hate me and they thinks im an idiot. they probably actually do. i realized that i need to have sick obssesions with a particular thing to make my life have a meaning until i loss interest on it. i'm praying that i obssess over something so i can keep myself distracted from this.



the fact that i feel like nothing around me is real and i constantly feel disconected from my body doesnt let me improve my life. it makes me feel like everything i do is pointless and stupid because nothing is real, and everything i do is on complete vain. i will never understand how these feelings started.

i think im starting to have allucinations. i see white or black things that spawn for less than a second watching me. it's kinda scary. hopefully its nothing too serious.

i don't recognize myself anymore.


am i useless? maybe i am. maybe i'm more than i think. maybe i'm a god, maybe i'm just a little kid trapped in a huge horrible body. my skin rots as the suffering continues. it falls off of my body in big pieces and then disappears when it touchs the floor. i'm useless because i can't stop that.

am i an idiot? probably. i'm aware that i can change it. but maybe i'm useless, and that will make me ruin stuff, because i'm maybe useless. if i don't stop being useless, i won't stop being an idiot, because i won't be able to improve.

am i unsensitive? there's lots of chances that i am. i wanna help people the much as i can so they don't suffer the same way i do. but they probably have it worse and i don't know how to help. i'm useless, and i can't help properly. if i don't stop being useless, i won't stop being an idiot, and i won't stop being unsensitive. i'm unsensitive because i can't help.

am i insufferable? people thinks that i am, so i must be. i fear people leaving. i rage and my body touchs the sky. the air goes by my lungs and it burns. i'm insufferable because people thinks i am.

am i senseless? mostly yes. my violence is senseless and my tears are useless. my tears won't stop them, my blood won't do anything. i fear them of leaving. my blood won't stop them, my tears are useless. crying won't do anything for them to stay.

at least, i can thank god that i'm not him.


deleted journal entry


give love to the victim

maybe if we didnt raise our hand at you

we couldnt stop it

we didnt change

we wont love you

we cant help

we are sorry

we arent sorry and we wont ever be

come back

are you going to leave us?

we dont remember your voice

are we humans?

come back

the memory of you hurts

we are going to raise our hand at you again


i'm trying to dissappear. i can't do this anymore. i didn't want this. i didn't chose this. if i unblock them, i know im gonna be in so much trouble. im supposed to be thinking about myself, why am i thinking about them? i pushed everyone away from me. i hope i can reveal myself in anonimity in the future.

please, just help me.


why did everyone abandon me?

i feel so dead. help me.


i am so fucking drained. i just cant do this anymore. i fucking give up. im tired of always having to go throught the same fucking shit and im so fucking alone. i have no friends, i will never feel loved, and it feels like im gonna be traumatized my entire life. it hurts so fucking much i cant even use my words to describe this. i just want to be dead. im begging for help.


it's been a long time, again. so much shit happened and i'd like to talk about it the most i can here.

i got death threats and almost got sued. i told my abuser to kill herself and cut her wrists so that ended up in a guy faking to have a gun and knowing where i live to intimidate me, but nothing ever happened. that happened in june, i think.

i got in a relationship with the person i loved the most and i was completely decided to give her my whole life and i did, but she lost interest and it didn't work out. when we argued about it, she got mad that i was sad because of it and that reminded me so much of my abuser.

i lost all my friends at school and i only have this tall guy as a friend there. he's nice. we were both in the same friend group but we both got treated like complete shit and now we are having fun together, so it's kinda of nice.

i started to get stalked at school and i had so much problems because of it that i'm lazy to talk about. there is a group of girls obssessed with me and at first it was pretty cool, but, now it's just hell. i miss when i used to be some random kid that was sitting with a random tall dude in recess. these girls took pictures of me without my consent. feels weird.

i realized i got sexually assaulted by my ex best friend and i don't know that to do.

i developed an ed.

a few weeks ago i tried to kill myself. i remember shaking and crying after i said goodbye to some guys and they were begging for me to answer. i hate it.

i'm just so fucking dead. i've never felt this fucking horrible. i just can't do it anymore, i'm begging for it to stop. everything got so much worse and i feel miserable.